I Gotcha, Honey

Bo: Red, do you think our wedding cake will taste as good as it did last year?

Nora: Oh, Bo, I don't know. We probably won't get to find out until our second anniversary.

Well, Hello My Lovelies!!

I swear, every time I do an into for the blog I channel Lucy Ricardo. “Well, Hello, friends. I’m your VITAMEATAVEGIMIN Girl. Are you tired, run down, listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpopular?” Ok, enough of that douchtastic quoting!

I apologize for posting this so late, but my parents phoned me to try and figure out how old their air conditioner is. If yall really knew me, you would know how hilarious that is and would be wetting your pants as we speak.

Anywho, how is everyone on this fine Tuesday? I hope everyone had a fantabulous Memorial Day holiday weekend! ME is moving/unpacking as we speak – total woof! The good news is that she slept with the cable company rep (sooo kidding about that), and her cable will be connected in her new apartment tomorrow morning, so you all will only have to put up with my ass for today! Yall can stop groaning now!!

So, on this Hurricane Season Eve (Tomorrow, June 1, is the start of hurricane season, FYI), my generator has been serviced, my evacuation kit is ready to roll at a moment’s notice, and my cocktails are made! Let’s get this party started, shall we?

May 31, 2011: Pat O’Brien’s Hurricane Edition of the Llanview Ledger

Thank you, Lord! After a day of shopping (which I loathe), my Bo and Nora are on first. There is a God! Why not just send the doctor out to talk to the dynamic duo if the nurse can’t answer their questions? Great balls of fire (in my best Scarlet O’Hara voice)!

Aaaaaand, Mestiny and her nosy self is eavesdropping while on the phone with Dan-yella! There is a devil.

More proof that there is a devil, we are now going to have to be subjected to Dan-yella, Nathaniel Q. Salinger, and Day-en. Woof! Yes, Nathaniel. Please sing this phrase from Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville with me “Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame, but I know, it’s my own damn fault.” ‘Nuf said!

Oh, sup, Rex and GiGi?! I guess Christian cancelled class tonight, and GiGi picked up an extra shift at the diner? Extra cash is always a plus!

And, back to proof that there is a God, bad ass, handsome as hell, dying Clint and Queen V are on today!! Thank you, baby Jesus that the fab four are on to save this episode for my ass! Dear OLTL Wardrobe Department: Please dress Queen V in only red from now until January. Kisses, MH.

Hey, Joey!!! Awe, he came to show his dad his preschool graduation diploma? Clint will be so proud, no doubt! Darn, Joey should have left his cap and gown on as a bonus! Oh well. And, I hate to be rude, but Clint’s dapper ass looks like he is about to fall off of the side of that matchbox of a hospital bed. I mean, where do they purchase these beds? The Fischer Price catalogue/website? Mylanta!

You are correct, Rama, you are a coward. Again, please go ask Nora Buchanan about lying to your husband that you are preggers. Not a smart move! Actually, I take it back. Don’t go ask Nora. Homegirl has enough to deal with right now. Just take it from me, not a smart move! Eff, now Cutter is here. I do not give a rat’s ass about any of these people, sorry.

Tess, hi, this is MH. You don’t know me, but is there any way I could borrow that straight jacket to get through all scenes that don’t involve Bo and Nora and Vicki and Clint today? I would greatly appreciate it! Awe, poor Vicki, it has to be hard watching your child be committed. I just cannot even imagine.

UGH, as if NQS, Mestiny, and Day-en were not enough to stomach, now Ford is on. I will need more than a straight jacket at this rate.

OMG, Mestiny. Obviously your grandparents were not only liars, but they were also a failure in teaching you manners. Any dip shit would have the common courtesy not to bust all up in the grills of parents whose child is fighting for his life. Please stop screaming like you are in charge, back the hell up out of the situation, and wait for Bo and Nora to get in touch with you after they assess and process the situation. UUUUGGGGHHHH – I cannot stand that this messy busybody has to be the focus of this effing storyline. I am sorry, I hate to be rude, but I have never liked her character from the get-go, and for her to now be in the middle of this storyline is absolutely heinous, in my humble opinion. There I said it! Snap, thank you, Dr. Pryor, for stating the obvious!

Oh no, Queen V is crying. I cannot handle Vicki and Nora crying in the same episode. I will need an entire box of tissues, FACT.

And the Robert Ford redemption attempts continue. Who didn’t see Ford’s falling for Tess coming a mile wasy? Raise your hands. Yea, that is what I thought.

Somebody please remind me again why I should care about Cutter, Aubs, and Rama when there are less than nine months to go of OLTL. Somebody. Anybody. Buler? Buler?

Clint said “bitch,” and I peed! Listening to him say “bitch” is almost as entertaining as listening to Dorian say it. I said ALMOST. Dorian still wins the “bitch” contest!

These Rex and GiGi scenes are boring, sorry. Snap, Shane is here now. Rex and GiGi are good parents. I do believe this!

Nate, I will refer you back to the Jimmy Buffett lyrics that we sang above. Let’s all hope that you practice what you preach and come forward with the truth. Somehow, I doubt that will happen.

Well, that Bo and Nora scene was so short that I took a sip of my wine and missed it. Woof!

I find it adorbs that Rex is getting food for Nat and really do enjoy their brother/sister relationship/bond. Oh mercy, are they going to make Ford a hero in this bullying storyline aren’t they? Why the eff does OLTL insist on making him its golden boy? I don’t get it.

Tess, Queen V is most certainly not boring. Please pay attention to what she is saying, and you will witness this for yourself!

Cutter can give Aubs everything she wants? And what would that be, an STD or ten from the Chlamydia Motel? Hepatitis thanks to Jess/Tess/Wess (whatever the hell her/his name is today)? Just what every girl dreams of!

Nothing all that interesting about these Clint/Joey scenes, other than Clint looking totally awesome in his faboosh pajamas and that matchbox of a hospital bed.

Ok, I am sorry, but I refuse to discuss these NQS, Day-en, and Danyella scenes. Absolutely REFUSE. Great, now there will be more NQS Day-en alone scenes. Why?

Now, I know that Bo and Nora are in absolute agony at the moment, but may I just say that they look about ten thousand kinds of awesome? They really do. I cannot deal with their adorableness. Bonus, they have been in “contact” the entire time thus far.

Hooooooold on just a cotton pickin minute. Mestiny’s busy-body, screaming ass is the first one to see Matthew after surgery? Really, OLTL, REALLY (In my best Nora voice. Like ME, anytime I say that, please just assume that it is in my best Nora voice)? I have no effing words for that foolishness. I mean, I get that she is beside herself, but seriously, wait your turn, girlfriend. Bo and Nora should see him first.

Yes, Joey, please bust out a shot gun on Cutter’s ass! We haven’t seen a Buch point a shot gun at anyone in a while. I think it’s about time for a reprise, don’t you? And if it rids us of a totally unnecessary character, BONUS!!!

Tess, please continue to listen to Victoria and witness the fact that she is not boring. Queen V is in full Head Bitch in Charge mode, yo!! I for one, flove it!!

Poor Shane. I feel so bad for him. I can only imagine what it is to be in his shoes. Sidenote: It is 102 damn degrees in my Texas hood today, and I literally started sweating (well, moreso than I already am) when I saw Shane’s jacket/sweater/pull-over. OMG, now I want to go jump in the pool to cool my ass off.

More Ford redemption attempts.

Stars, Clint looks faboosh even when he is asleep! I enjoyed that Clint Rex scene, I honestly did!

Mestiny, please, in the name of all that is holy, please step back. UGH – Why is she still here?

Aaaaand, I peed when I saw Nora’s “WTF are you still doing here?” facial expression just at the end of Mestiny’s plea to Matthew. I have said it before, and I will say it again, I could watch an entire show of nothing but facial expressions from Nora, and Bo for that matter. They are THAT good. OMG – I cannot deal with this. Nora almost fell when she saw Matt, and Bo said “I gotcha, honey.” Be still my heart! Bo is awesome. He is Nora’s rock, as he always was. Lord have mercy. Hey, Bo, can you see if one of those geniuses on the Llanview Hospital staff can clone you for me? Thanks in advance! Oh no, now Nora is crying, too. STOP IT, now Bo’s voice is cracking, aaaaaand, I just lost it. I cannot handle Vicki and Nora crying as it is, and now Bo is going to start. Where are my tissues? A forehead bump, to boot? Well, I have no words.

Oh boy, Danyella has arrived to support Mestiny. Screaming will ensue, no doubt, and I will have to get all teacher on their asses and give them demerits for not using their inside voices. My pencil is ready. Bring it on, bitches.

Somebody please break a bottle of Hounds beer over the counter, Marty Saybrook style, and slit my wrists because that is the only way I will make it through these NQS/Day-en scenes. Oh snap, a Natasha Richardson mention. Kudos, OLTL!! OMG, I floved Natasha and was devastated when she died from her skiing accident injuries. I am sure yall all know this, but Hillary B. Smith was in a Natasha Richardson movie. First one to tell me what the movie was wins! What is the prize, you ask? An all expenses paid trip to Llanview, PA to bludgeon the character of your choosing (If you need suggestions, here are a few: NQS, Day-en, Mestiny.). ME and I will be your accomplices and dispose of the body Dexter style! Word!

Bo and Nora are breaking my little heart. I mean, I am a basket case. Sidenote: I bought my dad Bo’s exact shirt for Father’s Day a couple of years ago!! Nice wardrobe selection, Bo! Oooooh, great, and we all know what that beeping means. In the immortal words of Phyllis Rose, we will find out after the break.

Halftime – time for a bathroom break! I know yall wanted to know that!

Once again, not even gonna waste my breath on Aubs, Cutter, and Rama. Although, I must say that Rama is good comedic relief at times.

Did Rex just say that Clint “had the stones” to come into his house after Shane’s suicide attempt?! Let me rewind that shit. He surely did!!! I am peeing on myself. That’s right, Clint, Karma is a bitch, but I still love you anyway, you silver fox.

More Ford redemption attempts. Ok, I will admit, I like the mentoring that Ford is giving Shane, I really do. I can’t help it. I am still sweating my ass off looking at Shane’s jacket.

HBIC Vicki continues to be not boring. “He used you as an ATM.” I rest my case. Tess is right, Queen V should be thanking her because if she (V) would still be married to Chuckles, no telling what kind of diseases she would have obtained by now (from Chukles’ stay at that godforsaken hotel, among other things).

Please, somebody, put me out of my f#@king misery with these NQS Day-en scenes. Really, please just let me bleed out from my cuts to the wrists. Their scenes are longer than Bo and Nora’s scenes, and it is making my blood pressure rise. Woof!

OMG, Nora sounds hysterical, and in a sick, demented way, I flove it! She hasn’t lost her shit yet, but I anxiously await the moment. I know, I already said that I was demented for liking that shit, but Hillary Smith and Bob Woods do such a phenomenal job with material like this, that it is just incredible to watch. This is not to say that I particularly like this storyline, but yall get my drift, yo! And, thank you, Nora, I am now a basket case once again.

Well, Tess, we have all paid our soap and OLTL dues for the past few months putting up with your shit, so could you please do as HBIC Vicki asks and let Jess out. Thanks!! HAHAHA – Your surely have let some greasy pigs snort and grunt all over you. The Chlamydia Motel surely could be considered a whole pigsty, too!! Oh, and PS, still waiting for you to send me that straight jacket so that I don’t jump through my television and bludgeon half the goons on this episode. Oh no, Vicki, please don’t start crying again. I just stopped crying thanks to Nora.

I am sorry, but I am seriously enjoying these Ford/Shane scenes. Ugh, I will not like Ford, I will not like Ford.

For the love of God, Cutter. Why didn’t you just effing hire Rick the porn king to film you and Aubs and just show it to Joey? Oh snap, Clint beat Rick to that. Too bad that USB got smashed. Now I will have to get all teacher on Cutter and Joey’s asses for fighting on the playground. Sheesh, I will wear out my pencil and demerit pad today.

Again, Clint continues to be awesome! And, again, I continue to like these Clint/Rex scenes.

And, like the HBIC she is, Vicki knew that Tess was faking! Ha! Word! Oh, and I totally floved the way Vicky said “my daaaaaughter” with a hint of a British accent!!! Awesometown!!

Somebody please lock me in a padded room like Tess’ with NQS and Day-en. I mean REALLY. I can no longer maintain my sanity through these scenes.

Ok, so Bo has held Nora like this entire episode. Le sigh. Oh, please let them not have to speak to Mestiny and Danyella, pleeeeeeease. Aaaaaaand, shoot me. My wrists are already bleeding out, so now I will need to be shot. Mestiny spoke, and Nora looked at Bo like, “Does this bitch ever shut up and butt-out?” I think I peed on myself at that expression, too!! OMG, and Mestiny continues to speak, and Nora won’t even look at her to respond. HAHAHAHA!!!!!! Again, peeing. I am sorry that I am such a frigid bitch, but I dislike Mestiny THAT much!! That’s right bitches, you cannot go into Matthew’s room. Why? Cause you don’t effing belong there. Again, have some gd courtesy for Matthew’s parents at this time. Give them some space.

Sidenote: Leigh Ann, you are right, Dr. Pryor is so short that she probably had to use a step ladder to perform Matthew’s surgery!! Lurve it!!

Dammit, Joey didn’t knock Cutter out, hense, Cutter kicked all their asses out of the house.

Oh, Tess, from your lips to God’s ears, re Cutter.

Blinked and missed that Shane/GiGi scene. Ready for a shower from sweating so much thanks to Shane’s jacket.

Lord have mercy Rex, you are about to kill Clint on the spot. And you are a PI. Can’t you see that something ain’t right with daddy dearest? Whoop, Queen V is now in the house. OMG, I cannot handle her losing her shit, too! She must remain in HBIC mode, word!

Mestiny, I am pretty sure Danyella cannot read lips, and there are no real life closed-captions for you to be tempted to sing along to. Patience is obviously not one of your virtues either. Danyella, maybe you should be the PI and not Rex since you are obviously better at assessing a situation tonight than Rex is. Great, NQS will now infest these hospital scenes tomorrow. UGH – I will need Tess to overnight that straight jacket to my ass, for shizzle.

Aaaaaand, I don’t even know what to say about that last Bo and Nora scene. I mean, awesomeness exudes from these two, and their expressions and reactions were spot-on. I am keeping all limbs crossed that they don’t have to share screen time with the three stooges in the hallway tomorrow since we all know they will not get to celebrate their first anniversary. Woof of infinite proportions on that foolishness.

Um, what happened to the “Stay tuned for scenes from the next OLTL”? I thought that since May is over as of tomorrow they would make a return. I mean we had previews yesterday… Things that make you go hhhmmm.

Alll righty, my dears, as always thank you all so very much for putting up with my blabbering while ME is moving into her new abode. She will be back tomorrow, so until next time, loving you all to pieces!! Happy (Hopefully) Hurricane Season!!

XOXO,
MH