Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Hmmm...This Episode or the Stomach Flu? The Stomach Flu. Much More Enjoyable.

Tomas: "I don't know if my next visitor will be a male or female. Should I just bet it's a female and unbutton another button? Hmm."

In the immortal words of Asa Buchanan "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Sooo....I have coffee and am ready to go. I'm going to do a drive-by post. The combination of the early time and sure to be not very good show are only drive-by worthy. Plus, I am totally beside myself that Bo and Nora will be on today...together...for the first time in two weeks so I have to post fully tonight. Let's start this, shall we?

Tuesday, May 17th--Chlamydia Motel Description of the Show

1. I feel these people have been in the same outfits for days. y'all remember the wedding that didn't happen back in February?! Everybody stayed in the same damn clothes for 2 solid weeks. Yuckytown.
2. Yeeeeeah, I'm gonna hate this episode...feel it. I mean people are dressed as food for God's sake!
3. So, in one sentence from Blair we know that Kelly is going to be all fine and dandy despite losing 4 units of blood. Ummm this whole thing could have been more dramatic. FAIL.
4. Yep. Looks like Marty has decided to make me one of her victims this morning and place me in her torture chambers: NQS and Dayt-en playing with waterguns. Jesus H. Christ. UGH! Another indication Inez was a shitastic mother: Nate thinks it's okay, even at the age of 35, to play with waterguns INSIDE the apartment. #badparenting. Speaking of bad mothers, where is little Hope? Exactly. With Addie Cramer and Renee Divine learning how to play gin doubt. I'm gonna also state that I bet Marty is better with Liam "Chick Magnet" McBain than Starr is with Hope. At least Marty plays/talks to Liam! Albeit the woman is cray cray, but Starr could take notes. Ha! ;)
5. Now Aubs is parting her hair down the middle. Clearly they are doing everything they can to NOT show those atrosh bangs she had. BEST.MOVE.EVER. Do EVERYTHING you can hair and make-up department! Drastic times call for drastic measures.
6. If Wes doesn't leave I'm gonna have to pull an Oedipus Rex, and gouge my eyes out...seriously.
7. Is the ONLY bright spot in this episode gonna be my desire to leap into the tv and jump Ted King? This is sad on entirely too many levels.
8. This Toad/Todd shit is gonna take FOR.EV.ER. We don't have time for this shit, OL. I don't have patience either (unfortuntately).
9. Dan-YELLA you're so cute so please break up with this child molester. It's as simple as that. He's a 35 year old grown ass man yet he acts like some kid from "Saved by the Bell."
10. Normally I'd laugh at the Patty/Hamburger patty joke since I'm a douche and like stuff like that but not this morning. I'm over the Fords since this show needs to kick them last year. This is just stoo-pid. Anyone miss Charlie? Just curious.
11. Good God! She is a 3rd year law student? HAHA yeah right!
12. If Rama gets another Delhi Belly then we are going to have to stage an intervention. Not because she's an alcoholic but because those damn things HAVE to be fattening.
13. LOL "tip of the spear" huh Wes/Wess? Nice and sexually inappropriate.
14. I mean, who in their right mind would stay in those shitastic costumes to drink beer and hang out. Idiots! Oh damn...kill me. Now he is asking a 3rd year law student for legal OMG an ADR reference. Aaaand, bacon cheeseburger: You can't give legal advice since you're a student. You know this. FAIL. Obviously Llanview's law program is disasterous. Or this Patty just doesn't pay attention in class.
15. Raise you hand if you give a flying f*@k why Wess isn't getting served out of a bottle? Well, I'll have y'all know I'm quite concerned.
16. Weren't we all in agreement that Christian should be in the very last scene of OLTL in January? Maybe making out with Vicki or something. He's THAT pertinent to the canvas and the history of this show. Thumbs up.
17. Something about Blair and Tea when they talk to Toad reminds me of "Sister Wives."
18. Go out and get you a piece of ass Bobby Ford. Since that is EXACTLY what you need right now.
19. These Ram/Wes/Aubs/Cutter/Christian scenes are RIVETING!!! Riveting I tell you! Emmy worthy!
20. YES! I've been waiting on James and Starr to have sex for months!!!!! My day is now made! NOT.
21. All this "deal with the devil" talk. I'd probably make one to sleep with Ted King. Even in that jail cell! FACT: His jail cell is cleaner than the Chlamydia motel.
22. I feel like my child just said "mama" for the first time when RH spoke. Such a proud moment.
23. Nate just said "implicate." I don't buy for one second he knows what that means. Even though it is an easy word...too many syllables for him.
24. Blair sounds so stupid..."How could I trust another cold-blooded murderer?" shit.
25. OMGEEZUS!!!! Today sucks! I'm sorry this post is so atrosh! I thought SURELY we'd have Marty's Playhouse today...surely! Dammit to hell! I have zero to work with here.
26. INTERVENTION, Rama!!! Or, get Chris to make the skinny version of a Delhi Belly. If he doesn't know one, I'm sure Bethenny Frankel could teach him.
27. Sonofabitch. If I'm gonna be subjected to this crab-ridden motel room shit, at least show Marty's room. RIDIC. OMG..."I wouldn't kick her out of the bed for eating crackers." I've said that all my life. Love it!
28. I'd choose a lobotomy over having to listen to the music they play at Capricorn.
29. Oh, and I didn't say what is up to our dapper French mystery man. Where are my manners?! Sup, Monsier?
30. This episode was worse than the stomach flu.

Ok, well my make-up artist just arrived so I must get ready. See y'all this evening! Here is hoping today's episode is better...PLEASE! Will respond to comments from work. Promise!



  1. Watched about 4 minutes and turned off, thanks fro the run by!
    Yeah! Bo and Nora today! Boo! Matthew sad, horrible, no good story starting, better get the tissues ready for next week, not going to make it.

  2. UGH...I had a better time cleaning the house than watching this episode.....why are they wasting time on stupid S#&T with so little air time left...The mind wobbles.....The end was the very best (and pretty much ONLY) with RH speaking, Lurved it ! Rest of it, well...Pffffft. XO Krisi BTW.... You made it much better with your drive by commentary, that alone would have been enough !!!

  3. Love your quirky insight on the show. Potty mouth to rival my own! Found your blog, when out of curiousity about the recently added "Blanca Morales" reminded me of Rachel Gannon also. They are doppelgangers for sure. Don't know what your fetish is with Marty "Yellow teeth" Sayebrook. Could she seriously afford some Crest Whitening Strips a couple times a year? Just have never liked her! Your other character "assasinations" comments are pretty dead on. Except Gigi, I love the hard-working, mostly always-single mom's gumption. Yet sadly not her wardrobe either! Will miss my favorite soap greatly. Been watching for 32 yrs, since I was a young girl. Did a Nielsen ratings survey at the end of last year and let them know I DVR AMC and OLTL daily, guess it didn't help. LONG LIVE OLTL!!

  4. P.S.
    Just said that about the music playing in the background at Capricorn, yesterday! Total crap for a club scene. Guess their music editor already found another job and left them high and dry?

  5. @mojomiller OMG I can't believe I got up at the crack of damn dawn to type this! I was hoping the show would be borderline decent (i.e. at least have Marty on since I knew the fab five wouldn't be on), but oh hell no it had to suck. I'm depressed about our beloved B/N/M. =(

    @krisi I can think of a million things I would have rather done than watch this shitastic episode. Like...have someone pour salt into an open wound I have or something. UGH. Glad you enjoyed the drive-by. There is no way I could have mentally handled a full post. I would have morphed into Marty if I would have been forced to type the whole show in detail. AH!

    @Dream2Long Thanks for the compliments! You are so sweet. So funny you found my blog when looking up the Blanca/Rachel thing...haha! I potty mouth is awful but it is just never going to go away. EVER. Well, it's not that I love Marty so much. I just think Susan Haskell is a phenomenal actress. I only enjoy looney toons/Marty's Playhouse/Crazy Sauce Marty. Even though it is total character assassination...SH has entertained me thoroughly with it! I know I'm super awful to Gigi...I know. I just...well, I just don't like her and can't. But oh well. You're right though...she does work her but off to support Shane like so many other moms so good for her! I love having long-time viewers read my blog. I've been watching since second grade so 1992. Wait or was it first grade? Regardless...1992. good for you about the survey!!! I've never gotten one of those before. OMG and effing kill me with the music at Capricorn! Ay ya ya...atrosh!!! ATROSH! Thanks again for the compliments!