(In my best Snoop Dogg voice) Whatitdo?
Good evening my lovelies!! Yes, it is me, MH, again. Poor ME has had it rough the past couple of days/weeks and is about at her wit’s end, so I am helping a sista out so we do not get too far behind on episodes. I am fabu like that! Word!
Disclaimer: I should be over the moon because after over sixty damn days, it FINALLY rained in “The W;” however, I am just a tad pissy for various reasons that ya’ll probably couldn’t give two shits about. Just wanted to warn you all before I got the party started.
I am apologizing for any and all typos right now!!
All righty. Ready? Here we go!!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011: Snoop Doggie Fizzle Televizzle Channel Summary of Events in Llanview, PA (AKA, MH surely is now in Purgatory):
Aaaaaaaah, OMG, is this Dorian (AKA: Robin “The Shit on Twitter” Strasser) Lord-Vickers-Buchanan that I see first up on my tv screen??!!! Surely I hallucinated this. Lemme contain my excitement before it gets out of hand. Snap, and Vickers is here, too. Eh. But word, overall! Times, I would not be caught dead in that bra, FYI! Peeing that Dorian is holding it up with a rubber glove. Did she find it at the Chlamydia Motel?! This bitch thinks yes!!
Well, please just effing take my ass out Gabby Medina style. If I have to endure one more episode of Starr and James discussing how Hope does not like James, I will just… well, I don’t exactly know what I will do, but it will be drastic. James has no damn manners. Knock on the door, please, before you enter a person’s home. Manners much?
Time out, is this a new day? Blair and Thomas look way to damn good for having been out all night. Seriously. I have stayed out practically all night in NYC, and I assure ya’ll, my ass was looking all kinds of disheveled. Somebody please remind me again why the eff I should care about Thomas/Blair. They bore me to tears, and I don’t know how that is possible.
Back to Starr and James. I just broke a beer bottle over the counter top then slit my wrists.
UUUUUGGGGGHHH, please kill me. nuJack. (In my best Jack McFarland voice) Peter, Paul, and Mary!
Not gonna lie, this Rex/GiGi stuff is killing me, like in a sad/devastating way.
I am rather uninterested in Brody/John
Aaaaaaaand, yet another confrontation with the sisters Buchanan. Just no comment. Bored.
I have a feeling nothing, not even Dorian, will save this, so far, shittastic episode.
Again, bored to tears by Blair and Thomas, especially since they are discussing a new character that I could give two shits about with less than eight months to go of this show. OMG, aaaaaand, he makes a cameo. Again, please kill me.
Starr and James discussing the newbie’s ass – cannot and will not discuss this foolishness.
How many bitch fights between Nat and Jess are we going to have to endure? Sick of this foolishness, too.
Took a sip of my martito and missed the Brody/John scene. I will get over this one day.
I wish Toad would beat the ever-loving shit out of nuJack. I would pay big bucks to see someone do that!
GiGi is the best looking brain-dead patient I have ever seen. If I am ever brain-dead, I hope to look this fabu. Word!
Dear David Vickers Buchanan, Dorian’s glasses are nowhere near big enough to compete with the likes of Jackie O’s. Please don’t let Dorian be holding up this damn bra the entire episode. Sidenote: I need the OLTL writers to come up with something better than the whole “bridge to sell ya” phrase. I mean, let’s get some variety in our dialogue, there, writers. Kisses, MH! Oh, but thank the good Lawd we did not have to endure the filming of the damn David Vickers movie. Times, why the eff is Vickers’ wedding ring on his middle finger? Um, FAIL!
I refuse to comment/get invested in these scenes revolving this effing newbie character. What is his damn name? Spaz? Baz? Yea, I don’t care either.
Rex, from your lips to God’s ears! Suh-nap, Echo is in the house, people!!! This may save the episode for me. Sidenote: No, I don’t necessarily like the Echo character, per se, but I have to divulge that Kim Zimmer is one of my favs of all-time, and I got to meet her fabu self in April when she came to do a musical in Houston. Word!! ME will attest to the fact that I was beside my damn self at midnight on April 1, 2011. Word!
Toad, please stop wasting my time, and beat the ever-loving shit out of nuJack. You know you want to. I swear, will not call OCS on your ass! I saw nothing!!
Again, the Brody/John scenes are boring my ass to tears. Enough of this already. Same goes for the millionth confrontation bewteen the Sisters Buch! So sick of this never ending storyline.
I cannot deal with this show any longer. I will, from now on, only comment on noteworthy moments. OMG, now newbie French lady is on?! I am in hell for bad-mouthing Mestiny. VIP section, for sure.
TIMES, so ME and I are being the biggest douches on the face of the earth on Twitter right now while imbibing, and Crystal Chapell just tweeted me. Aaaaaaand, this shitty day (and OLTL viewing) has been salvaged. Word!
Have David and Starr ever had a scene together?
I LOVE Robin Strasser, and her ass is totally being wasted on this show – FACT! That is all.
Comment on this Nat/Jess stuff?!? I like the color of Nat’s shirt?! Yea, that’s all I got.
Thank God, Echo’s hair looks better (and is longer) than the last time she was on!! God, KZ can cry on cue like no other. Aaaaaand, she’s in blue yet again.
Idiot friends is right, Toad! Too bad you will not allow nuJack to pay for any of his douchtastic behavior. FAIL in the parenting department for you and Blair. I mean, let’s be serious, nuJack needs to be sent to JUVI like yesterday. SNAP, too bad Tea interrupted this fight, we could have been rid of nuJack. UGH, Tea, I am not pleased with you, but I guess I will give you a pass this time since you changed out of that inappropriate for work/daytime/summer purple dress. Muchos Gracias! Actually, times, this wool-looking suit is not really summer-appropriate either. UGH, fail, OLTL wardrobe!
Tea, nuJack is not your child, and sometimes discipline is necessary. Please let Toad parent/discipline his own child since Blair is more concerned with her libido in NYC. I know, ya’ll can send me hate mail for this comment! Btw, Toad, I cannot handle nuJack either!
Aaaaaand Echo pronounces GiGi just like Bo does. I think they are the only two that pronounce her name like that. I peed on myself!!
Ok, are David and Dorian going to break up yet again? Strasser deserves a better story than this.
Not even dignifying these Thomas and Co scenes with comments. Thank God I am having a martito.
Ok, I kinda like that Nat is telling Jess off. So sick of her (Jess’) whiney ass. Not saying that Nat is my fav, but I am all right with this.
Was that John/Brody scene even a full second? Yea, I don’t really care either.
Anybody think that Echo is the one who had this pic sent to Dorian? That is my guess! I mean, seriously, this shit is an insult to Robin Strasser, and I am, frankly, outraged for her.
I am throwing up in my mouth with these Starr/James scenes, and that is a perfectly good waste of Titos Vodka.
Same goes for Thomas/Blair/Spaz/Baz scenes.
I flurve Kim Zimmer!!! That is all. I really do cry through these GiGi/Rex scenes. Damn, Echo left. WHAN!!!!! I cannot even imagine being in Rex’s position. Cannot deal.
Dear Nat, May I please borrow your shirt? I lurve the color!! Kisses, MH!! You are right, also, the last thing we need is Tess; therefore, I encourage you to make sure Jess is not seeing Dr. Levin cause he sucks major ass.
Who else thinks that nuJack will get off scott-free? Yall will hear my ass scream all the way from “The W” if he does not have to pay for what happened to GiGi. Snap, John is here to arrest nuJack. Am I hallucinating this?
There is not enough Titos in the world for this episode.
OMG, Dorian has the bra and the glove on yet again?? (In my best Nora voice) REALLY? Again, insulted for Strasser. But, thank goodness somebody noticed the wedding ring gaffe, and Vickers now is wearing it on the correct finger. Jesus H!! BTW, raise your hand if you care about this damn Vickers movie? Please note that mine is NOT raised.
Aaaaaaaaaand, I surely was correct in suspecting that Echo was responsible for those photos. I should apply for a job with the LPD. Surely my handsome, precious Bo Buchanan would hire my adorbs self?! Anyone want to write me a letter of recommendation? Well, yea, I didn’t think so. It was worth a try.
Why in the name of all that is holy have I been subjected to an entire episode of James and Starr discussing a new character that I could give two shits about? Times, Nathaniel Q. Salinger is a Senior and is graduatig?? Please tell me I will not have to be subjected to an LU graduation ceremony just for his ass. I mean, seriously. I will say it again, OLTL: less than 8 months. Please get your shit together and rid this canvas of pointless newbies (Fords and especially Mes included). Mucho appreciation, MH! God, I am writing a lot of letters today.
Spaz/Baz’s hat is annoying my ass. I mean, that is all I have to say about this.
YES!!!!!!! nuJack under arrest!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeease, let him get life in prison/JUVI. Nora Buchanan, did your fabu self hear my plea? Please make this happen now that Matthew in on the road to recovery (hopefully)!!! Lurve you!!!
UGH, I do not need to cry again today, Rex. Maaaaary (in my best Jackee voice).
Word!! See ya nuJack!
Is Jess going to take on some of Tess’ personality traits? Yea, I don’t give a rat’s ass either. Times, this is how the show will end? LAME!!!
OMG, I will surely die at 5:15am – thank God tomorrow is my Friday, and that is all I have to say!!! It’s been real recapping this shitfest of a show for you all! As always, I enjoy every second of writing these reactions, and hope that they aren’t too torturous for you all!!! So, until next time:
(In my best Hillary Smith voice) Loving you all and meaning it,
P.S. Mary-Ella's Tuesday post is below mine. ;)