Invasion from India

Rama: "Vimal, if you don't spit out the truth right now then I will cut off your balls and use them in my next curry dish."

I love that the Indian couple who virtually no one knew a couple of months ago are about to rock the Buchanan family like no other. Only in soap operas. Clint Buchanan has to be kicking his own ass right now. What an idiot to trust someone like Vimal with such vital and personal information. His stupidity is obviously the show's gain and provides for EXCELLENT entertainment. Well...we at least got ONE confession out today. Lord have mercy this is gonna take all week and I am by no means a patient person. Personally, patience is the most overrated virtue...my opinion only. Anyway, you just know the show is going to be good when all the vets are in a room. This reminded me of Todd and Tea's back from the dead party when all the vets stood around discussing Rex's paternity...good stuff and so was today. Let's begin...

Poor Poor Poor....Vicki. That's right. Did y'all think I was going to say Charlie? ?? I do feel bad for him but he has been an ass-clown for so long that I have just come to detest him in a way. Back to him in a minute, let's discuss Vicki B. Wait...omg is that a magnolia she has as a corsage?! Surely not! I had to rewind a couple of times...it's not. But that is the biggest effing corsage I have ever seen. It's like the size of one of Jessica's boobs (they are huge right now). I feel the worst for Vicki with all of this mess. Why? Because she has been completely in the dark about all of Clint's nefarious ways AND she is dealing with the shit of a mess that is Echo/Charlie/Rex. This woman can NEVER be happy. Now, the real love of her life, Clint Buchanan, and the father of her four children is an effing monster and she has to find out on the day of her daughter's wedding?! TRAGIC. "Who are you?! How could you do this?!" God I got tears in my eyes from that. I am so curious to see how she handles the fallout from all of this. I think she is gonna be the one that is most affected. I'm also anxious to see what this will do to their relationship. Oh, Vicki's suit...it was just ok. Eh...they could have done better suit for her. It was the color. She looked a bit washed out and then she had that giant ass corsage on.

Charlie. Oh hell...I can't elaborate much more. I can't be contrite. I just...I just...I just...keep going back to the word "ass-clown." I can't feel sorry for him right now and I know I should. Grrr....that's all I got. Oh snap...his fight with Clint was better than Bo's...fact. I didn't even know Charlie was going to attack Clint and it was so much better than Bo's and they spoilered that fight to death! Good going, Charlie.

Ugh...Gigi. Lord, she has haunted me daily since all this lead up to the wedding. Just when I think she is out of sight and out of mind, she comes back. Like a virus, she never REALLY goes away. Anyway, her dress is awful. She has such a rockin' little petite figure that they need to show it off. It looked like she was in a flower shop and then it exploded and in the aftermath the flowers just all stuck to her thus creating this shiteous dress. Oh, and I am just critiquing the wardrobe, not physical appearance. I don't believe in bashing an actor's looks and really everyone is pretty so there would be no need to even if I went below the belt. Just wanted to put that out there for everyone. I know I may come across as a bit judging but I'm really not. I hope people aren't rolling their eyes are laughing about that statement...hmmm. Anyway, she didn't bother me too too much because she didn't say all too many words. Now, Rex. Oh Lord Rex...I actually like you but you have become like Natalie with all the lying. My anger towards Rex really all goes back to him not telling Bo about David...UGH! I'm so upset with this...STILL. Anger aside, I do see why he would want Charlie as his father and not Clint (only if I were in his position...Charlie is like Glenda the Good Witch from the South and Clint is like the Wicked Witch from the West). So....I mean, I guess I get why he lied but the lying to Brody thing is a whole other thing.

Speaking of Brody, he and John practically said NOTHING. Maybe a total of ten words. So, I really have nothing to say about them.

Dear Jessica Brennan: You have lovely boobs. Love, Mary-Ella. SERIOUSLY...those puppies are about to pop out of her dress! They look good though (and they should since they are filled with milk and all perky). OMG...and don't EVEN get me started again about Nat and Jessica post-pregnancy. I mean, they would be leaking at this point...seriously. They would have at least taken a pump break by now. This is silly. Oh, and Jessica's dress. From the waist up, it's lovely. From the waist down, it's effing heinous. The tiers are out of control. It's like she has 3 different lampshades from her waist to her feet. No! Just no, OLTL! Milk and lampshades aside, I'm ready for Tess to come out (I cannot believe I am saying that...especially since teenage Jess was a nightmare). The truth is: regular Jessica is boring. Combine her with Brody and I feel like I'm watching C-Span and that is sad. They are both so gorgeous but they are written so boring. So Tess, please arrive soon. That being said, the worst for her hasn't even come out yet. Poor baby. Has she not been through enough on this show?!

Natalie. She looked somewhat happy walking down the aisle and then even calm during the Rex Balsom paternity reveal but once again the "I haven't pooped in days/I'm so riddled with guilt" look returned when Vimal said that Rex's test wasn't the only test he changed. For what it's worth, I liked Natalie's dress. It was chic and elegant and not too froo-froo. She looked like a knockout! I am so ready for her and John to have it out! AH! I LOVE angry John! He never gets to be emotional so I'm all about it...bring it bitches!

Oh Clint...I just am loving your evilness these days. Sidenote: I have finally accepted the fact that old Clint would have NEVER done this so I need to stop being like "this is not Clint...old Clint wouldn't do this." I love Jerry Ver Dorn and he is an excellent actor and plays bad soooo good. So, I am just accepting that this IS Clint. Otherwise, I'd drive myself crazy. But I do miss good ole' Clint Richie...R.I.P. Anyway, he never waivered. This bastard had composure during the whole thing!!! This man is infallible. I LOVE it. He is just yummy. Oh, and Clint, you sat on the wrong side. Just because you are divorced from Vicki does not mean that you don't sit on the bride side. I have Emily Post's "Weddings" if you would like a copy and also just her regular etiquette book. I'd be happy to send you a copy, darlin'.

I bet Bo and Nora are just like...WTF?! Who is this man, Clint? I know they aren't surprised but this is still all pretty unbelievable if you really sit and think about ALL of Clint's recent crimes. I'm pretty sure Nora only said 3 words...literally: "Bo, not now." But her reactions today surpassed everyone else's...priceless. I'd just like to hear some of her quick-wit tomorrow...fingers crossed. Oh, and her dress was lovely...minus the big ass flower. That skin of hers is ALWAYS sun-kissed and I just love it. I can just watch her and Bo all day and they can say nothing. Oh, and I love how Jessica and Natalie kept being like "Uncle Bo...do something!" LOL...what is he gonna do? Arrest your dad? Hmmm....or should he arrest you Natalie for being a perpetual liar? Anyway, I need some more Bo/Clint action...STAT!

Damn! I was just hoping and praying that Marty the Martyr would come flying in the church (with the voo doo doll from St. Anne's that Hope destroyed the other day) and saying something completely outrageous and obnoxious. Woof. Can't have it all. I just want to start singing "Tardy for the Party" (why this song I don't know) and I just want her to run in and ruin the wedding...what is wrong with me?!

Wait...Cole is in prison?! Since when?! No one told me! Surely someone would have let me know such pertinent information. And, Starr is contemplating breaking up with Cole because she MIGHT have feelings for James? What do you mean? I would have thought for sure that she and Langston would have maybe one scene together to discuss her conflicted feelings. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These scenes are from a horror movie. There is no other explanation. I've beaten this horse to death so much that it is 6 feet under but...I cannot stomach yet another Lang/Starr scene about all this mess.! Unfortunately, I threw up my jambalaya that I made for lunch because of all the scenes that switched between Starr/Lang and James and what's her face. It was just like watching a massacre in front of my eyes and who wouldn't get sick from that? Such a waste of expensive sausage...le' sigh. Seriously, if someone asked me "Mary-Ella would you rather have someone shoot you in the eye with a nail gun repeatedly or watch a Starr/Lang scene?" Obviously, my answer would be the former. A nail gun to the eye would be like a damn full body massage compared to this awfulness. If I were Kristen Alderson, I'd be livid. Her scenes for the past few months have been horrendous (NOT because she is a bad actress, because she is good) it's because her storylines have just sucked. And, Lang...you know how I feel about her. I'm so thankful she is getting her "movie deal" and leaving Llanview. Hopefully, the movie has something to do with an abyss or black hole so she can fall in it and just never come back to town let alone to LaBoulie. Ugh.

What really is the point of Michelle? She kind of reminds me of Bambi. I have no idea why...there is no basis for this ridiculous statement...just what comes to mind. Oh snap...really? You are going to have sex with her James? Please say this stops soon. It would be as if three of you are in the bed because you keep looking at that damn necklace. Look, if you wanna do a menage a tois then that's all fine and dandy but you need to physically get Starr there...not just think that she is with you near your heart because of that lame ass necklace. Le' barf.

I just want to makeout with Ted King. Actually, I'd do more than that. ;) But, seriously he is just delicious. BUT...once again, the scenes with Blair and Tomas were about maybe a minute (approximately the time it will take for James and Michelle to have sex if it happens). I still need more of these scenes before I can make a fair assessment. I do think these two have good chemistry...how could they not? Hopefully next week we will get a little more. Again, this thing was promoted to hell and back and then....NOTHING. So, let's pick it up.

Oh, is it just me or did y'all forget that Eddie Ford was even murdered? I feel we are at such a standstill with that.

I didn't care for Aubrey's dress. I loved Kelly's on her...the color was perf.

ALL OF THIS CURSING IN CHURCH!!!!

Matthew and Destiny now officially hold the record for longest kiss of all time.

Joey is still a toddler and STILL eats Gerber baby food. He needs to join Bree in the nursery and look at picture books. He is such a dumb poon. Ah! So after I watch the show and finally cool off from how infuriated I am with how stupid they are writing Joey these days, I just end up getting livid again because I see Nathan Fillion on "Castle" and remember how effing awesome Joey used to be. Just boo...boo on that.

It's true. Renee and Nigel are too busy swimming in the moat so they had to skip the wedding. I don't blame them...

Tomorrow should be even better! See you kiddies tomorrow.

Cheers,
ME