Food for Thought

Jessica: "You mean to tell me that Ryder's real father is a hot dog? This is so embarrassing, Daddy."

Hot damn! I was physically nervous today watching the show. I literally was gripping my hands so tight that I made half-moon indentations on my palms. The big reveal was made and the fallout was nothing less than stellar...let's go.

OMG...poor Jessica and Brody. Ok, so let's see: Vimal flipped a coin and picked Jessica's and switched it to say Brody. So does that mean Nat's kid is really Brody's? It appears that way but I wonder...Marty did go into the DNA lab and I'm curious if she changed it. This is far fectched but it's a thought. I love it. Jessica: "Mom it had to have been mine....Natalie didn't have a paternity test!" Good God. Now everyone, including Clint, is like "oh shit." Anyway, poor thing. Sidenote: Bree Williamson can cry on cue and her tears are HUGE! Good girl and great acting. The Brody and Jessica discussion was awesome (once I rewatched them because I was staring at her boobs too much the first go round), and I totally understand Brody's reasoning for not wanting to go ahead and marry Jessica. He thinks all of this is happening because of his own lying about sleeping with Natalie. He now believes he is being punished. I do the same thing so his reaction was spot on, in my opinion. Rumor is that Brody goes off the deep-end from all this fallout (good God...AND Tess...they did indeed meet at St. Anne's, yo?) and maybe he leaves the show...who knows. But, I saw the Tess trying to jump out of Jess when Brody dropped the "I slept with Natalie" bombshell. Not to mention Jess is trying to cope with the fact that Ryder's father is of the wiener-schnitzel variety. I can't wait to see the rest.

Maybe I literally have ice running through my veins thanks to the Siberian tundra-like conditions in Chicago right now, but I do NOT feel sorry for Natalie. AT ALL. Zero...Nada...None. I just can't. Poor John. Lord, this dirty little hamster STILL tried to lie to John when confronted! This is just so effing dumb. Natalie you are cornered...give it up. When John screamed "Stop lying to me", I was like "OMG I've been yelling this at the effing tv to Natalie...for months...months!" She deserves this fallout, I'm sorry. And, I genuinely liked Natalie before all this mess but her lies have just spiraled out of control and I'm over them...and over her for the time being. I'm perfectly fine with John leaving her after all this shit. I'd also LOVE a Marty/Natalie confrontation soon...awesome town. John and Natalie scenes def delivered...for shizzle.

Clint has become one mean sonofabitch. Just when I think his heart can't get any more black, it does...at least what little heart he has left. I think he is finally realizing that his actions have only hurt the ones he tried so hard to protect but I still believe that he thinks he did the right thing...with everything. He really was trying to justify his actions but I just don't think it's going to fly. Supposedly, we are gonna get to see the Buchanans having to take sides between Bo and Clint...should be delicious. Oh...and WTF is up with Clint's super creepy bloodshot eye?!

Oh, Nora spoke more than three words today...nice. God, I just love Bo and I love that he was thinking of every reason to arrest Clint but he was saying the wrong things. Like, you broke into the lab...LOL. He didn't, but Bo could arrest Clint for conspiracy. Hell, maybe an accessory before the fact but that's it. Otherwise they don't have probable cause to arrest at the moment for any of his other crimes. Nora should have just flat out used the conspiracy card in regards to getting Vimal to break into the lab. Oh, and I wasn't expecting for Bo to actually arrest Clint. I hadn't read it anywhere. I'd love to see some scenes with Rama/Vimal and Bo/Nora/Clint at the police station tomorrow but I doubt we will. I'm ok with this only because I get to see Bo and Nora just being their awesome selves on Friday during the 1995 episode. Oh, and Asa, Alex and Susannah...oh my! Excitement Excitement! :)

I can't believe I'm saying this but the Ford and Lang scenes did not make me physically ill. I'm shocked as hell myself, but it's true. Like, my lunch stayed in my stomach...unbelievable. Fact: Miracles happen...for all you non-believers. Oh, hey Hope! Nice to see you. OF COURSE, your mother isn't around. It's not like mothers are supposed to care for their children so it's perfectly understandable she would be with Lang, the new babysitter. UGH. Starr is NEVER with Hope. OLTL could make such a statement if they showed the struggles of being a teen mom, but Starr just saunters around town and leaves Hope with babysitters that wind up getting killed. Boo. Sorry...back to Lang and Ford. Ford in the schnitzel duds helped me get through these scenes. Granted, I didn't really care for all the sexual/hot dog jokes because those were lame as hell. Fact: All sexual/hot dog jokes are lame and people need to be bludgeoned if they use them. AND....they didn't dwell too much on the "I'm so excited we get to have sex because it's Valentine's Day" thing. The scenes were quick enough for me not to scream at the tv. WAIT...it's Valentine's Day?! I just realized I typed this. So, it's gonna be V-Day for a week in Llanview. Unreal. Oh, and this may be a totally unpopular opinion, but you KNOW some of you thought Ford was cute playing with Hope. Come on people...it was adorbs. With all of his "I might have been a good dad" talk, you can tell the writers are REALLY wanting the audience to open up to Ford and the fact that he will be Ryder's father because....dun dun dun...he isn't going anywhere. I know there is a lot of talk of some of the Fords leaving town (if this is my last request on Earth it would be this), but he is now tied to this canvas because of Ryder. Soooo....the writers want us to like him because he is staying. That is the only way I see it but who knows.

God, here is another thing I can't believe I'm gonna say today: I kinda/sorta felt sorry for Starr today. Lord have mercy. Obviously, I'm feeling magnanimous today. I think I'm just being nice because the wedding stuff was sooooooooo effing good that I was much more tolerant of the characters I normally crucify. Anyway, Starr FINALLY after months of angst decides to give it a go with James and now she is gonna think he slept with abstinence club girl (although not really anymore because she wanted to jump the gun. people who just started reading my posts won't get this joke) or Bambi...whatever her name is. I agree with Ford when he told Lang that James would wait on Starr forever. I don't see them being apart long and I'm sure Starr and James will work something out.

Oh, hey Destiny...sup? How was that kiss with Matthew? You would think her lips would have been swollen but I'm assuming she put some ice on them. Oh, and I just didn't get the scenes with Sean and the manicurist...like WTF was that about? And what for? So random. The manicurist got on my nerves and she didn't even really say much. She was too trashy. Yes, that's harsh but I don't care. Oh, and Roxy is still hungover with an ice pack? My ass. I just think that the manicurist/Sean scenes could have been more Destiny/Sean time. That would have been better and she could have discussed her kiss with Matthew more and how proud she is to have the longest kiss on record. Something to be proud of if you ask me.

God...today is full of shockers, huh? Including in this post because....another surprise: Joey didn't get on my nerves today. Hell has frozen over (at least here in Chicago). I will say that I have ALWAYS loved Joey and Vicki's relationship. We haven't seen much of it since he has made his return but I wish we could. I think Joey is Vicki's favorite...my opinion only. In my eyes, toddler Joey moved from picture books to pop up books today for defending Vicki...BIG STEP!

Speaking of Vicki...she didn't do much today except go off on Clint a bit. Hopefully we will see more of her reaction to all this soon AND, more importantly, an awesome confrontation between her and Clint. I want them to really argue over this.

Anyone miss Marty? God knows I do...like I'm sad. I need her daily dose of crazy so I can feel sane about my own life. Except now when I see her I want her to always have the voodoo doll with her that Hope man-handled at St. Anne's. It just adds to the crazy...loves it.

Oh, and if I was about to have sex and that God forsaken music was playing like it was in James' room today then I would probably swear off sex for a year. That music was painfully awful and my eardrums suffered greatly and makes me want to harm myself. It was like tribal music or something...ugh. Where are the Barry White tunes? ;) haha...j/k

I'm about to jinx everything I'm sure but...how great is it to not have Inez and Nate around? It's been such a treat.

So, we are coming off the best episode of 2011 practically so I'm thinking tomorrow probably won't be as good. Confirmation of my thought thanks to the previews...ugh. Hopefully the John and Natalie stuff will deliver and maybe we will get some Jessica and Brody stuff. Fingers crossed.

See you kids tomorrow!
ME

Invasion from India

Rama: "Vimal, if you don't spit out the truth right now then I will cut off your balls and use them in my next curry dish."

I love that the Indian couple who virtually no one knew a couple of months ago are about to rock the Buchanan family like no other. Only in soap operas. Clint Buchanan has to be kicking his own ass right now. What an idiot to trust someone like Vimal with such vital and personal information. His stupidity is obviously the show's gain and provides for EXCELLENT entertainment. Well...we at least got ONE confession out today. Lord have mercy this is gonna take all week and I am by no means a patient person. Personally, patience is the most overrated virtue...my opinion only. Anyway, you just know the show is going to be good when all the vets are in a room. This reminded me of Todd and Tea's back from the dead party when all the vets stood around discussing Rex's paternity...good stuff and so was today. Let's begin...

Poor Poor Poor....Vicki. That's right. Did y'all think I was going to say Charlie? ?? I do feel bad for him but he has been an ass-clown for so long that I have just come to detest him in a way. Back to him in a minute, let's discuss Vicki B. Wait...omg is that a magnolia she has as a corsage?! Surely not! I had to rewind a couple of times...it's not. But that is the biggest effing corsage I have ever seen. It's like the size of one of Jessica's boobs (they are huge right now). I feel the worst for Vicki with all of this mess. Why? Because she has been completely in the dark about all of Clint's nefarious ways AND she is dealing with the shit of a mess that is Echo/Charlie/Rex. This woman can NEVER be happy. Now, the real love of her life, Clint Buchanan, and the father of her four children is an effing monster and she has to find out on the day of her daughter's wedding?! TRAGIC. "Who are you?! How could you do this?!" God I got tears in my eyes from that. I am so curious to see how she handles the fallout from all of this. I think she is gonna be the one that is most affected. I'm also anxious to see what this will do to their relationship. Oh, Vicki's suit...it was just ok. Eh...they could have done better suit for her. It was the color. She looked a bit washed out and then she had that giant ass corsage on.

Charlie. Oh hell...I can't elaborate much more. I can't be contrite. I just...I just...I just...keep going back to the word "ass-clown." I can't feel sorry for him right now and I know I should. Grrr....that's all I got. Oh snap...his fight with Clint was better than Bo's...fact. I didn't even know Charlie was going to attack Clint and it was so much better than Bo's and they spoilered that fight to death! Good going, Charlie.

Ugh...Gigi. Lord, she has haunted me daily since all this lead up to the wedding. Just when I think she is out of sight and out of mind, she comes back. Like a virus, she never REALLY goes away. Anyway, her dress is awful. She has such a rockin' little petite figure that they need to show it off. It looked like she was in a flower shop and then it exploded and in the aftermath the flowers just all stuck to her thus creating this shiteous dress. Oh, and I am just critiquing the wardrobe, not physical appearance. I don't believe in bashing an actor's looks and really everyone is pretty so there would be no need to even if I went below the belt. Just wanted to put that out there for everyone. I know I may come across as a bit judging but I'm really not. I hope people aren't rolling their eyes are laughing about that statement...hmmm. Anyway, she didn't bother me too too much because she didn't say all too many words. Now, Rex. Oh Lord Rex...I actually like you but you have become like Natalie with all the lying. My anger towards Rex really all goes back to him not telling Bo about David...UGH! I'm so upset with this...STILL. Anger aside, I do see why he would want Charlie as his father and not Clint (only if I were in his position...Charlie is like Glenda the Good Witch from the South and Clint is like the Wicked Witch from the West). So....I mean, I guess I get why he lied but the lying to Brody thing is a whole other thing.

Speaking of Brody, he and John practically said NOTHING. Maybe a total of ten words. So, I really have nothing to say about them.

Dear Jessica Brennan: You have lovely boobs. Love, Mary-Ella. SERIOUSLY...those puppies are about to pop out of her dress! They look good though (and they should since they are filled with milk and all perky). OMG...and don't EVEN get me started again about Nat and Jessica post-pregnancy. I mean, they would be leaking at this point...seriously. They would have at least taken a pump break by now. This is silly. Oh, and Jessica's dress. From the waist up, it's lovely. From the waist down, it's effing heinous. The tiers are out of control. It's like she has 3 different lampshades from her waist to her feet. No! Just no, OLTL! Milk and lampshades aside, I'm ready for Tess to come out (I cannot believe I am saying that...especially since teenage Jess was a nightmare). The truth is: regular Jessica is boring. Combine her with Brody and I feel like I'm watching C-Span and that is sad. They are both so gorgeous but they are written so boring. So Tess, please arrive soon. That being said, the worst for her hasn't even come out yet. Poor baby. Has she not been through enough on this show?!

Natalie. She looked somewhat happy walking down the aisle and then even calm during the Rex Balsom paternity reveal but once again the "I haven't pooped in days/I'm so riddled with guilt" look returned when Vimal said that Rex's test wasn't the only test he changed. For what it's worth, I liked Natalie's dress. It was chic and elegant and not too froo-froo. She looked like a knockout! I am so ready for her and John to have it out! AH! I LOVE angry John! He never gets to be emotional so I'm all about it...bring it bitches!

Oh Clint...I just am loving your evilness these days. Sidenote: I have finally accepted the fact that old Clint would have NEVER done this so I need to stop being like "this is not Clint...old Clint wouldn't do this." I love Jerry Ver Dorn and he is an excellent actor and plays bad soooo good. So, I am just accepting that this IS Clint. Otherwise, I'd drive myself crazy. But I do miss good ole' Clint Richie...R.I.P. Anyway, he never waivered. This bastard had composure during the whole thing!!! This man is infallible. I LOVE it. He is just yummy. Oh, and Clint, you sat on the wrong side. Just because you are divorced from Vicki does not mean that you don't sit on the bride side. I have Emily Post's "Weddings" if you would like a copy and also just her regular etiquette book. I'd be happy to send you a copy, darlin'.

I bet Bo and Nora are just like...WTF?! Who is this man, Clint? I know they aren't surprised but this is still all pretty unbelievable if you really sit and think about ALL of Clint's recent crimes. I'm pretty sure Nora only said 3 words...literally: "Bo, not now." But her reactions today surpassed everyone else's...priceless. I'd just like to hear some of her quick-wit tomorrow...fingers crossed. Oh, and her dress was lovely...minus the big ass flower. That skin of hers is ALWAYS sun-kissed and I just love it. I can just watch her and Bo all day and they can say nothing. Oh, and I love how Jessica and Natalie kept being like "Uncle Bo...do something!" LOL...what is he gonna do? Arrest your dad? Hmmm....or should he arrest you Natalie for being a perpetual liar? Anyway, I need some more Bo/Clint action...STAT!

Damn! I was just hoping and praying that Marty the Martyr would come flying in the church (with the voo doo doll from St. Anne's that Hope destroyed the other day) and saying something completely outrageous and obnoxious. Woof. Can't have it all. I just want to start singing "Tardy for the Party" (why this song I don't know) and I just want her to run in and ruin the wedding...what is wrong with me?!

Wait...Cole is in prison?! Since when?! No one told me! Surely someone would have let me know such pertinent information. And, Starr is contemplating breaking up with Cole because she MIGHT have feelings for James? What do you mean? I would have thought for sure that she and Langston would have maybe one scene together to discuss her conflicted feelings. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! These scenes are from a horror movie. There is no other explanation. I've beaten this horse to death so much that it is 6 feet under but...I cannot stomach yet another Lang/Starr scene about all this mess.! Unfortunately, I threw up my jambalaya that I made for lunch because of all the scenes that switched between Starr/Lang and James and what's her face. It was just like watching a massacre in front of my eyes and who wouldn't get sick from that? Such a waste of expensive sausage...le' sigh. Seriously, if someone asked me "Mary-Ella would you rather have someone shoot you in the eye with a nail gun repeatedly or watch a Starr/Lang scene?" Obviously, my answer would be the former. A nail gun to the eye would be like a damn full body massage compared to this awfulness. If I were Kristen Alderson, I'd be livid. Her scenes for the past few months have been horrendous (NOT because she is a bad actress, because she is good) it's because her storylines have just sucked. And, Lang...you know how I feel about her. I'm so thankful she is getting her "movie deal" and leaving Llanview. Hopefully, the movie has something to do with an abyss or black hole so she can fall in it and just never come back to town let alone to LaBoulie. Ugh.

What really is the point of Michelle? She kind of reminds me of Bambi. I have no idea why...there is no basis for this ridiculous statement...just what comes to mind. Oh snap...really? You are going to have sex with her James? Please say this stops soon. It would be as if three of you are in the bed because you keep looking at that damn necklace. Look, if you wanna do a menage a tois then that's all fine and dandy but you need to physically get Starr there...not just think that she is with you near your heart because of that lame ass necklace. Le' barf.

I just want to makeout with Ted King. Actually, I'd do more than that. ;) But, seriously he is just delicious. BUT...once again, the scenes with Blair and Tomas were about maybe a minute (approximately the time it will take for James and Michelle to have sex if it happens). I still need more of these scenes before I can make a fair assessment. I do think these two have good chemistry...how could they not? Hopefully next week we will get a little more. Again, this thing was promoted to hell and back and then....NOTHING. So, let's pick it up.

Oh, is it just me or did y'all forget that Eddie Ford was even murdered? I feel we are at such a standstill with that.

I didn't care for Aubrey's dress. I loved Kelly's on her...the color was perf.

ALL OF THIS CURSING IN CHURCH!!!!

Matthew and Destiny now officially hold the record for longest kiss of all time.

Joey is still a toddler and STILL eats Gerber baby food. He needs to join Bree in the nursery and look at picture books. He is such a dumb poon. Ah! So after I watch the show and finally cool off from how infuriated I am with how stupid they are writing Joey these days, I just end up getting livid again because I see Nathan Fillion on "Castle" and remember how effing awesome Joey used to be. Just boo...boo on that.

It's true. Renee and Nigel are too busy swimming in the moat so they had to skip the wedding. I don't blame them...

Tomorrow should be even better! See you kiddies tomorrow.

Cheers,
ME

OMG Will This Wedding EVER Start?!

This picture reflects how Nora and I feel about this wedding: "I've had it! Can we please just start this wedding already?! We've been at this church for hours!"

Oh.My.God. I feel I'm being shagged through a hedge backwards. Really?! Does anyone else feel that the wedding was talked about and promoted CONSTANTLY last week and then...*crickets* I thought surely something would happen on Friday, but oh hell no. Then today hardly anything happened...AH! So I'm just discussing today's episode and a few things from Friday since not much transpired. So, here we go...

Before I discuss the lead up to the wedding I have to just go on and spew about what's really pissing me off: So many pertinent characters are missing from this wedding!!!!!! This is effing absurd.
1. Let's see...where is Matthew Buchanan? Really show? I know EA isn't getting paid THAT much that you can't throw him in this episode, too. Oh wait, that's right, he is STILL kissing Destiny in the doorway of the garret. Duh...my bad. So, Bo and Nora just got dressed and then walked around him and Destiny and just let them be. Of course they did. What parents wouldn't? Sweet Lord
2. No Renee!?!? I mean I know Patricia Elliot has a budding theater career but she could have done a scene for this wedding. She was Asa's WIFE for crying out loud and the step-grandmother to these girls...puh-leeze.
3. Nigel. OMG I think he and Renee have fallen in the moat at the Buchanan mansion...seriously.
4. Michael and Marcie. At least mention them, show! I can see them saying "M&M couldn't make it from Seattle with the baby and all" so please show by all means...mention them!!!!
5. Kevin Buchanan. He has not been mentioned once (except when Kelly tells Joey she isn't engaged to him). LAME ASSES!

At this point, their names could be dropped that's all I'm saying. Oh, and as if Todd Manning wouldn't go...REALLY? And this whole Roxy is too hungover thing is shit, too. I'm sorry I've done NOTHING but complain. Sadly, I have a little more to do. The negativity doesn't end here so if you're mad or annoyed with me then I suggest you deviate from this blog now...last chance.

Again, I've been waiting on this wedding for what feels like weeks. I think the biggest beef I have is that really...NOTHING is happening. As usual, the show is based around Natalie contemplating whether Martyr escaped from St. Anne's and if so did she go see John. Oh, and she still has that "I haven't pooped in days look" on her face because she is so riddled with guilt. UGH. So, I really have nothing to say about that. Oh, I do love her robe. The women on this show all have lovely robes.

Gigi and Rex...SHAME ON YOU. Gigi, you just need to be erased from the canvas because your terribleness somehow oozes from my television and into my apartment, thus getting GiGi germs all over it. Now, thanks to your awfulness my whole damn apartment is infected which means my fiance and my dog and I all look like we have dead squirrels on our heads and we are wearing plaid. UGH. How in the world are you looking these people in the faces and lying to them?! Did you not learn ANYTHING from the whole Shane and Brody mess?! Don't even get me started on Rex right now. Rex, you know how terrible it was about Shane and now you are lying to Brody for Natalie and you are lying to Charlie...Ay ya ya!!! I understand it is a soap opera and you need drama but all this backstabbing and lying with this particular thing is just overkill.

I want to beat the shit out of Charlie...I do. And, I know I'm gonna feel sorry for him when he finds out the truth about Rex and then goes to drown his sorrows but still. I simply CANNOT tolerate his rudeness to Queen Victoria. I just cannot mentally handle it. If he says one more effing time that "It's his house, too" then I'm going to go bury myself in the snow and just die. It is Vicki's childhood home and she bankrolls you..AH! He is more stupid than Joey right now in my opinion (I had to really think long and hard before I wrote that...I flipped a coin). When Vicki teared up today, I did too. Poor Vicki is gonna really cry when she finds out what Clint's done. I also don't like how this whole Echo staying at Llanfair thing combined with Charlie's dummy ways has made Vicki B. look like a doormat. I mean, what woman in her right mind would allow all of this to go on?! And for this long?! Charlie needs Mr. Black and Mr. Blue to just knock him around. Oh, and I love how Charlie and Vicki are just hanging around talking at Llanfair while Bo, Nora and Clint have been at the church for what feels like hours...weird. Anyway, I just want Charlie away from Vicki...asap.

I blinked and I missed it! That's right. Were Blair and Tomas on today??? My God...how awful. I'm not one who watches the show just for Blair or anything but I do like her and I am seriously crushing on Ted King...like whoa. So, I feel bad for all those peeps who are really looking forward to this...that sucks. Their total screen time might have been 2 and 1/2 minutes. I'd be livid. I went through this hell when Bo and Nora weren't on from their wedding until November basically. Those little snippets of time are such teases. Either show them or don't. Ugh. Hopefully we will see a little more of them tomorrow but I bet it's the same thing again. Will this story ever start?!

I was disappointed with the Bo/Clint fight. It pains me to say it. I was expecting so much more physicality but there was really just...well nothing. The best part of the fight was the crap Clint spouted off to Bo about Asa. Oh, and a lot of people on the message boards are discussing all of this and asking if Asa really thought that, etc. I suggest that people who don't know this whole backstory go to youtube and type in "Asa Buchanan's death and funeral." There are a bunch of scenes there but it shows Clint and Bo in the barn discussing exactly what Clint brought up at the church. Oh, and also it shows Matthew and Bo discussing Pa's hat (like it got brought up a couple of weeks ago). It's not the backstory of how Asa felt but it shows Clint and Bo discussing it and Bo being upset. Anyway, I think Clint is just being completely nasty and hurtful...that's it. He meant what he said to Bo in the barn the day they buried Asa: deep down Asa was proud of Bo. That is a fact (Regardless of the fact that Bo was getting ready to arrest Asa practically on the day he died). Unfortunately though, it is patently obvious that Bo will now wonder if Clint is being serious with his cold words at the church. I have a feeling this is going to be a whole issue that Bo is gonna have to deal with. It could be a good story. Anyway, I was just wanting some more action packed punching and throwing around kinda thing with the fight...le' sigh. Oh, and I love the color of Nora's dress and I think she looks beautiful but the rose on the dress...not so much. Then, I realized that little Bree has a big red rose on her dress, too. What's up with that? haha...the ice pack got put in the fern.

Rama and Vimal. So much for being inconspicuous. They do indeed look like they are going to a State Dinner at the White House. I'm just ready for him to tell everyone the news already. I mean, all they did on Friday and today was run from the little side room and into the entry way then back into the little side room. Seriously, y'all should check that shit out. They just ran around...odd.

If I were Joey, then I'd pick Kelly because she looks gorgeous in her dress...OMG. I know what's about to happen with this Kelly and Joey thing but I'm not gonna discuss it here. But I'm just saying that any progress that they have made is about to just go to hell in a handbasket so I'm just not gonna discuss much. Again, nothing really happened from Friday to today with them. Grrr...

I'd like to thank Jesus for sparing me from a Cutter and Aubrey love scene. Thanks JC. xoxo, Mary-Ella

Oh John John John...I feel so damn bad for you. You finally get your life on track and then...well...this little carrot top just pissed all over your life. Oh, and nice scenes with Pete. Nostalgic. At least they acknowledge John's parents...

Oooohhhh.....so John asked Brody what he thinks Marty was talking about with him and Natalie. NOW we are getting started...albeit in the last minute or two of the show. Tomorrow will deliver. I'm feeling it.

OMG...I'm sure you can break the tension with an effing knife on that pew with Bo, Nora and Clint...yikes.

I'll save my dress commentary for tomorrow.

Look people, I know I complained a lot but I really do love this show. It's good the show brings out such emotion in me...ehr, I think? But I do indeed think this week will deliver the goods, no matter how long they have dragged all this out. I just need Vimal to interrupt this shit...like FIRST THING tomorrow. I need some dramz. Oh, and the new promo for this week looks good. If you haven't seen it just go to youtube and type "one life to live the truth is out." It will come up...

See y'all back here tomorrow! Should be a delicious show.

Marty Saybrooke's Getting Better...

This sweet moment between the Buch twins is probably about to be one of the last for awhile...because Natalie is a dirty muskrat.

Ok, so let's just look past the fact that it is completely and totally unrealistic for Jessica and Natalie to look THIS good after having kids let alone to have Jessica galavanting all over Llanfair with the greatest of ease after a C-section. Let's be serious. Obviously, all viewers are gullible idiots in the writers' minds. I'm not asking for them to be propped up in bed all day but come on...they could have some extra pounds or at least be walking a little slower. This is crap. Don't even get me started on everything for the wedding being on time. That is a miracle and I'm pretty sure that Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and her red shoes couldn't couldn't magically whip up a nice wedding THAT fast with all the dresses, flowers, tuxes, etc.

I love that Jessica told Natalie that they had those bad dreams because they are just "having butterflies" about the wedding and there is a framed picture of 3 big ass butterflies behind her head...weird. Natalie's face has that....let me see...that "I haven't pooped for days and I feel uncomfortable" look. Ok...those girls look pretty damn adorabs in those pastel p.j.'s. I can't lie. OMG...this exchanging of the something borrowed, something blue stuff is making me sad. It's so sweet. =) Whannn. Damn you OLTL. The Buch twins are affecting me and this has NEVER happened...ah!

I always wonder about the slot machine in John's apartment. Does he use it? Man...John is just turning into this great guy and I'm gonna feel pretty damn bad for him once all this blows up. I mean, he feels bad about keeping the Clint thing from Nat and effin Natalie has been lying for an eternity about everything...dummy. He is also about to get effed over by Mr. Navy Seal. Oy Vey!

LOL...Robert Ford in the bed with Jessica! I loved it. OMG and Marty walking in on John and Natalie...great! I need OLTL to have these "dreams" all the time. They make for good entertainment. Oooooohhhhh...flashback. These dreams are almost as good as when Nora was Lindsay's "conscience" during the syringe/mind erasing drug/Colin McIver fiasco...OMG those were hilarious. Y'all should look it up on youtube if you haven't seen it.

It's bad enough that I haven't left my apartment since Tuesday afternoon (omg cabin fever) thanks to this blizzard in Chicago, but then I get shit on even more when I see Langston...le' barf. Oh well...she and Ford weren't too sickening. I'm starting to like Robert Ford for some reason (Yes...despite the fact he basically raped Jessica but besides that...). BUT...this whole James staring lovingly at the bullet necklace shit has GOT TO STOP! AH! Take this madness off my screen! Then it gets even worse because Langston and Starr have the SAME EXACT conversation for the 3,586th time (Yes, I've counted people. That's the exact number.) about her feelings for James and how/why she can't leave Cole...who gives a damn!? On a positive note, at least this may be the last time for awhile. Oh, and I absolutely adore Starr's coat. It's flippin precious. We know Starr gives Cole the middle finger and leaves him to hang at Statesville and she and James get together. Oh, and this Michelle chick? WTF. I got nothin'. She is waste. Nice, but a waste. Wait! Did Michelle just say "yes" as in let's have sex? Ok...we can obviously retract my abstinence club statements from a few posts ago. What a sneaky little beaver...haha beaver. My mind is in the gutter! Ah...

Man...I think Joey is soooo adorable and then I realize he is an imbecile and I get so upset. Ya know...if Kelly had sex with him would that be statutory rape? I mean Joey has the MIND of a minor. So that means Aubrey is committing a criminal offense too (one of many). Hmmm. I'd kill to look like Kelly Cramer in the morning...fact. I just...ugh...I don't know how I feel about these Joey and Kelly scenes. Maybe because I always want her with Kevin? I don't know what it is. Or maybe it's because Kelly has had bad chemistry with so many men on the show that I just can't get behind this Joe/Kelly thing. Hmmm.

This camera in the AC thing is just brilliant. I love it. OMG...Clint is on today?! What a lovely, lovely surprise. This ALMOST makes up for the shiteous Langston and Starr scenes. Almost. Wait...is that Mr. Black or Mr. Blue? Why can't I tell these bastards apart? It's not like they are twins. Maybe their names are similar and I am just confused? Maybe I've been in this apartment too long? OF COURSE...Aubs and Cutter are gonna roll around on the couch...damn. The ONLY reason I'm ok with this is 1.) Clint will have proof of them not being siblings and that they like to screw. 2.) This means everyone else will know and Joey will possibly regain a brain once he realizes he has been duped. 3.) Clint needs to watch someone getting it on because God knows he hasn't had any action in awhile (I mean, he's only human). Everyone wins with this secret recording. I'd be shitting bricks if I were Aubs and Cutter...

I've never heard a sweeter phrase in all my life: "Marty Saybrooke's Getting Better." Wooooo hooooo!!!!!!!! That's right Natalie! You made your slutty bed now lie in it. Technically, it wasn't too slutty of you but you just lied for months. I can't condone that though. haha...Natalie's like but she's in St. Anne's she can't escape. OH REALLY?! Since no one in Llanview has ever escaped St. Anne's...hahahaha! Nice. Seriously, I mean you wait on the day of the wedding to want to come clean? Bitches, please.

OMG OMG OMG...please let it be Marty at John's door....AH! IT IS! My heart is skipping a beat.

Matthew and Destiny ARE STILL kissing in the doorway of the garret. #WorldRecord

Stay warm peeps!
ME

I'm Your Nasty Dancer

Lesson of the Day: When you are crunched for time in Llanview and need a stripper in a pinch, it will for sure turn out to be the worst stripper EVER.

LOL...a male stripper at Llanfair! OMG. And, this stripper is AWFUL! His moves are so awkward! FACT: Susan Boyle has better moves than this stripper. Ah....ok, it all makes sense now...of course this stripper is going to suck: Gigi recruited him and God knows she breeds all things sucky. He is that dumbass nude model from Christian's "art class." #fail I mean...this was such a bad awkward kind of porno stripper. AH! Sweet lord...Roxy. She goes hand and hand with strippers.

Wow...John's bach party was at his own bar. That's shitty. As if Bo wouldn't be there?! REALLY show? Lame. I mean, what a terrible send off! Seriously. This is probably the worst bachelor party of all time. OMG...THE BEST bach party is for Antonio Vega and Andy Harrison in 1997. Y'all should like that shit up on youtube if you have time. Flippin' great. It's under "antonio's bachelor party" or something. John and Brody had shots and beer and drove home...hmmm.

The guys stripping for the girls is so comical. But it's like comical because it is THAT bad! These joint parties are just awkwardness overload!!! I personally think Roxy should have stripped...just sayin'.

Joey and Sean know each other? Wait...Kelly knows Vivian?! When were these friendships formed??? Ummm exactly...a quarter to never. These peeps don't know each other unless I missed, like I dunno, a year's worth of episodes. Don't do that OLTL. I'm perfectly fine with these friendships but you can't just pull these relationships out of your ass like that!! There was no build up to this friendship...zero. AND...Viv and Sean are being used as props for Joey and Kelly...boo on that. Give them a decent story. Fact: The shirt Kelly is wearing today is the shirt she wears in the intro.

Vicki grew a pair...ABOUT DAMN TIME. I've been dying for this moment. Too bad Charlie acts like a dipshit soon and messes everything up. Ass clown. In all seriousness, this Echo living with Vicki shit has gone on for wayyyyyyyy toooooooo damn long. Seriously. Any woman with an ounce of decency would have never even allowed Echo to crash there. However, this being generous Vicki (I STILL can't believe ass clown told Vicki the other day she was ungenerous...UGH) I can see how she would let her stay for a bit. However, after all of Echo's shenanigans her ass needs to go stay at the roach motel where John lives...or even the one where Eddie bit the dust. She must go.

Oh, and as much as I love Vicki and Dorian having scenes together I need them hating each other again. BUT...not off camera. They need to be going at it head to head like the good ole days. Robin Strasser hasn't had a front burner story since.....*crickets* EXACTLY. I can't remember. The writers need to give her and Vicki something juicy because God knows they can deliver.

I'm not going to discuss Dorian's outburst about Rex's paternity or what I think about Rex and the paternity thing until I feel I know more. I will say this Echo to Dorian and Vicki: "The labs make mistakes all the time." SERIOUSLY...no paternity test in Llanview is EVER done correctly. People in this town know better than to trust a lab...hello? Lindsay Rappaport? (Sidenote: please release her so she can team up with Clint...AWESOME TOWN. Then she and Nora can pull each other's hair out...good times.) However, we can all conclude...Dorian will get Echo. I Lurve it.

Rama.Is.Awesome...take that to the bank. I love this woman. Her balls are MUCH larger than Vimal's and I love that she is going after Aubrey "Wentworth." Love the use of air quotes by Rama when she said her last name. Oooohhhh I wonder what this little newcomer knows about Aubs?!?! I'm actually becoming intrigued with Aubrey. OH....rumor Aubs and Clint might hook up. Maybe my dream is coming true??? That would be so scandalous since it's now a fact that Aubs and Joe do indeed get married...hmmm.

Todd hugging Vimal was just sheer delight. And...I enjoyed Tea today which is incredibly rare. OMG...she is so flirtatious and sass today...go Tea! She and Todd have been mushy lately so we all know what that means people...shit will hit the fan with them SOON. I personally think it will have to do with Tomas and dun dun dun...the return of the REAL TODD MANNING! Supposedly it's all but official that Roger Howarth is returning. This is nothing short of fantastic...

Thank you God...no wild sex with Cutter and Aubs. I was so scared for a moment when I saw them kissing and what not. Bullet dodged...sweet.

Joey and Kelly getting locked in the storage closet by their "best friends" ah hem. This is kinda weird since they will confess they love each other yet Kelly *spoiler* is going to sleep with John after John leaves Natalie next week. I personally CANNOT wait.

Confirmed: Matthew and Destiny are indeed STILL KISSING inside the doorway at the garret. I've never kissed anyone for days on end like that and I'm pretty impressed. My God...if they kiss for that long can you imagine how long they will stay in bed together? Geez...

Joey=slapdick

Fail...Nora hasn't been on since last Monday. #DepressionCentral

Fail #2...Marty is not shown talking to the voo doo doll #INeedMoreCrazy

Fail#3...Kevin won't be at the wedding and probably not Renee. #ThisIsHorseShit

Besides my fail comments, it was a good show today. I was thoroughly entertained. I'm ready for this wedding for 1,000 reasons...hurry up Friday...hurry up!

Yearbook Editor

Dear ole Aubs is dodging some serious bullets. Good thing Cutter was obviously the yearbook editor in high school...ZING!

Ok, so how in the world did Aubrey get the name Aubrey Wentworth? Did she just pick up the yearbook and close her eyes and land on this girl??? I am somewhat confused. "Don't call Joey stupid! He is a smart guy that just didn't planned to get played by someone so...skilled." OMG...he's not stupid?! REALLY? This is horse shit. Thank you OLTL for not letting Aubrey show Cutter her "skills" like he wanted her to. Like I've yapped about for years it feels, I've had enough of their hit it and run sessions. But now I don't even want them referencing sex...I'm over these two together. OH...and can we all come to the conclusion that the notion that Aubrey really packed ALL THESE DAMN CLOTHES and brought them from Europe to Llanview is just absurd?! ABSURD, people. She has a more vast and vibrant wardrobe than the rest of the cast. Egregious, I say! They make poor Tea wear a pirate shirt the other day but let a newbie like Aubrey wear couture. Poo on that.

Ok, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer but I am pretty sure that there is not a snowball's chance in hell that Cutter changed that yearbook photo and magically bound that page back in the book, etc. Sure, if he went to LU and did it in their yearbook room or something but...out of his hotel room at The Palace?! PUH-LEEZE!!! That was just dumb.

Dammit to hell! Gigi is on...UGH! I knew I was going to have to see her and that Davy Crockett raccoon hat hairdo tomorrow for the bachelorette party and for the wedding on Friday but today??? Normally I have to mentally prepare myself when I know that her or Langston will be on but today was a surprise attack...touche' writers, touche'. I was fooled.

If Jessica and Natalie had any sense then they should know better than to let Gigi and her plaid shirts from Forever 21 pick out the wedding dresses. Jessica's room is like yellow overload. Like a cat urinated all over it. Seriously, her room is incredibly bright and yellow! I know that I have done nothing but complain but it's also atrocious that Nat and Jess have their flawless figures back...just like that! Hello people! Jessica had a flippin' C-section!!!! A C-section! As if she has recovered by now...geez. I actually liked one of the dresses Natalie tried on but didn't go with...boo. But I have seen the wedding photos and, of course, the Buch twins look beautiful. No surprise there, though.

OMG...my eyes are burning!!!! The damn gym!!!! It is heinous and such an eye sore and no one actually works out there! People just aimlessly wander and lift one pound weights. Not to mention, the wood paneling is atrocious! Please OLTL never ever show the gym again! I'm begging you! Substitute a scene with Langston or Gigi but please never show this gym again. SERIOUSLY! That's how bad the gym is...

I can't believe this but I feel sorry for Vimal. I do. That being said, I effin' love Clint...more and more each day. What an evil bastard this man is. I'm telling you, Rama is gonna go ape shit at this wedding. She is such a breath of fresh air on this show. OH REALLY?! She was at the gym, too? So everyone has a membership at Serenity Springs?! My ass. This gym needs to just blow up! I'm so over it.

Man...John and Brody are just gonna end up having a bad week. So, they find out their father in law is an effin monster and then their wedding is going to turn into some crazy ass circus (think Lifetime movies). Wait, scratch that. Brody...you deserve for John to be pissed at you since you and Natalie are being ass clowns (my word of the week I guess). HOWEVER....Lord knows you don't deserve for the father of Jessica's baby to be a shitty filmmaker at LU. Boo on that. Hell, John is the real victim in all this mess....and Jessica. I do love how these men just don't even question Bo and believe him. That says a lot about what kind of a great guy Bo is...le sigh.

Poor Bo. He can't seem to catch a break with this Clint shit. Official: Mr. Black and Mr. Blue...worst actors ever. They just pulled two random joes off the street and said "hey come act like a goon on tv and get paid."

OH SNAP!!!!!! Gonna record Aubs and Cutter doin the nasty through the air conditioner! Clint is an effin' genius. At least he will get to see porn...God knows he isn't getting any action. Eh hem.

Joey is en effing gopher. Worst reaction ever at the gym when he found out Kelly still loves him. That's all I got, people. Douchebag.

Oh, and there is a rumor that Alex Olanov maybe Aubrey's mother...not confirmed but that's the word on the street.

OK, so I'm super pumped about the show today and OF COURSE it will be preempted today because we had a damn blizzard in Chicago. Sooooo that means I'll have to watch tonight on Soapnet.

Oh, and I am assuming that Matthew and Destiny are still kissing in the doorway of the garret? That is one long kiss yo?

If Nora isn't on today I think I'm gonna lose it...

xoxo darlings and those of you getting the snow...STAY WARM!
ME

We Are Family! I Got All My Sisters With Me!

Hope everyone enjoyed the somewhat peaceful christening because God knows everything is about to hit the fan...can't wait!

Ok, I'm not really going to discuss Friday's episode. It was somewhat boring (especially after watching Thursday's) and Monday's was just a much more detailed and more enjoyable continuation. So, I'll just go with Monday because I'm ready to be caught up with this blog already. So, without further adieu...

Well, I love watching Dorian spout off some French. I love that Dorian has Cutter pegged and knows that he is a gold digger. OF COURSE...Cutter is going to intercept the yearbook...OF COURSE. UGH! I want Aubrey to be found out already! Thankfully, I'm sure Clint will come to my rescue when he has a recorder (I think a video one) in Aubrey's room. Lord, will there be a sex tape?!

Ok, don't get me wrong, ever since Kim Zimmer hit town on October 1st the show has been phenomenal. No, it's not all because of her but the show just picked up incredibly and she definitely energized the canvas. However, despite her refreshing performances I can't say that I have "liked" her as a character, i.e., someone I am rooting for or would call my favorite. That being said, yesterday was the FIRST time that I genuinely liked her. She showed REAL concern for Shane and for the first time acted like a real grandmother. Poor Shane. Kudos to OLTL for addressing an issue that is prevalent throughout middle and high schools throughout America. I just hope this story is played out nicely. I can't be too smart alec about all this since it really is such a serious issue.

Oh, hey Hope. Nice to see you join us. Glad Starr took you out of the attic and actually showed you some attention. God knows Starr has just been at the gym with Lang lifting one pound weights or has been just wandering aimlessly at LU watching James and Michelle discuss the Valentine's dance for the 50th time. OMG...Michelle will just not let that V-day dance go will she?! Hope actually had quite the day on Monday. She took Martyr's "baby" (you know the one that looked like a voo doo doll) and dragged it around by it's hair and tossed around the blanket it was in...best moment of the day. Oh, and I loved it when the nun was telling Starr that maybe Hope should not go see Marty yet until Starr thinks it's ok...based on Marty's mental state and all. REALLY SHOW?! REALLY? Starr is a TERRIBLE mother! As if she cares! Just bring the child in the room for crying out loud. I think I'd trust Hope with Marty more than Starr. Ugh.

Damn, I tried to find a pic of Martyr and the "baby" but *le' sigh* I couldn't find one. Let's all be in agreement shall we? Susan Haskell can act crazy better than ANYONE else! My God this woman is brilliant. Starr's reaction to Marty was pretty spot on, too. I mean, how does one react when you realize someone is off her rocker?! I hope I never have to find out. Anyway, I can't wait for Marty to get out and go to the wedding...yes! Oh, and was Marty ever diagnosed? Did I miss that? Maybe I did. Did she have a nervous breakdown or did she have some sort of mental condition...what?

Lord, this christening. I will say...OMG the babies are flippin' adorable! Just perfect. And, I love the names. Way to go OLTL...job well done. I'm glad Clint is starting to sweat a bit. Although I'm glad Aubrey is a sneaky bitch (in this situation) and that Rama and Vimal know the gossip, I don't want these people to be the ones that "out" Clint at the wedding. JVD did an interview for one of the soap mags and said that "people may not be pleased" by the person who outs Clint. What in the hell is that supposed to mean? I was thinking it could be Aubrey, Vimal, or Rama. That's all I got. I do know that my heart is going to break for Vicki when she finds all of this out. Sadly, she is the one that is getting played like a fiddle the most by all of Clint's nefarious deeds. No, don't get me wrong, I think Bo and Nora got the worst of it but at least they know the truth now. Vicki is the love of Clint's life and the mother of 4 of his children and he has been lying to her face for months! How in the world will she forgive him for that? Whoa....I got wayyyyyy off topic here...sorry about that. Anyway, Clint is a quick thinker, yo? I mean he gave quite the speech at the christening with all that talk of why he disinherited Joey and all. Too bad his luck is about to run out...

Oh, and yes I want Clint and Aubrey together. It's my second post in a row to throw that out but I do. Don't get me wrong, I want him with Vicki but after all this crap he has pulled I think he and Aubrey can at least have some torrid love affair or something. It could work people...just be open minded! Come on...you KNOW you felt the sexual tension when he called her "a little bitch" at Llanfair! And that hug at the church...come on people...jump on this train!

So basically, Echo told Rex in so many words Clint is your father. Charlie really isn't but hey, he is a nice guy. Clint is a crazy, evil son of a bitch. Why would you want him to be your father? If you know what's good for you, you won't have a test done. Oh, and Shane is in some sort of trouble...keep an eye out. Peace out yo. And we all know Rex has the test done anyway and Clint will indeed be his daddy...$$$$$$$ word.

Natalie: "I dunno I'm just happy." Enjoy it for today because your world is about to be in a tailspin and it's all your damn fault. ZERO sympathy for her...ZERO. She made her bed and now she needs to lie in it. I can't wait for this wedding. The promo looks fantastic and what's even better is that more shit will hit the fan than just this paternity mess.

Ok, I don't know how I feel about Tess coming out to play. Yes, Tess is FAR MORE entertaining than bubbly, not really all mentally there Jessica but this Tess thing may get out of control. Maybe I'm being so debbie downer about the whole thing because I hated the teenage Jess storyline about as much as I hated the Stacey Morasco Llantano Mountain story. Oh, and the baby is 100% Ford's kid. That is a nice way for the writers to give Robert Ford a tie to the show since the key to staying on a show is having family ties. Or, at least it is a way to get you to stay on longer. So, this would support my theory of the other Ford's leaving and Robert staying...he'll have a kid. Just a thought.

Have the Buchanans learned anything about the drama and terribleness that goes with a double wedding? Please, bitches. Oh, and we can get ready the day after tomorrow...no biggie. OMG yeah right. Hell, I don't care. As long as Natalie isn't wearing that lace, 1980's dress from JC Penney's then I'm fine. ANYTHING but that...

Oh, and this is off topic and a spoiler but the reason Lang will "leave Llanview" is because she gets a movie deal?!?!?! hahahahahahahahhaahha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a joke. I'm convinced I read it wrong and this is a really funny prank the writers are playing on all the viewers. Geez...her character has been written horribly since 2008. The least you can do is send her off in a decent fashion.

Joey is a dumb beaver.

Who in the hell is THAT Aubrey Wentworth?! Oooohhhhh! Did they kill her or something??!! That's intriguing...

Later lovelies!
ME